Hello, bagel bakers of the world!

Before you settle into a defensive position in preemptive response to the criticism you anticipate, recognize that I wouldn’t waste my time critiquing what I don’t care a good deal about. The bagel is a venerable thing. On innumerable high school mornings, the blink-fast preparation and portability of the edible torus made it a powerful antidote to the empty-stomach consequence of sleeping through my alarm clock. Removed from the toaster and generously smeared with cream cheese, the two halves reunited would slip agreeably into a cargo pant pocket, to be covertly accessed during 1st period class. In short, your dough-centric labors are to credit for a beloved staple of the breakfast scene. Understand, then, that my complaint with the particular variety mentioned comes from a place of respect.

What the fuck are you thinking? Seriously. It’s nigh offensive that what passes for an Everything bagel is nothing more than a Plain thinly decorated with a crucial combination of pungent, coarse seasonings, as if the common consumer wouldn’t spot the guise. These exterior ingredients should also be a part of the dough itself, pervasive on the inside. Instead, the Everything bagel is like a nude Pillsbury Doughboy rolling in the sand. Pathetic.

Valuing curiosity and investigative research, I approached a baker among you concerning this issue. He was sympathetic, and agreed that the Everything bagel I envision is a paragon. The problem, he claimed, is that incorporating seeds into the dough would hopelessly clog the centerpiece of the bagel-making operation: the contraption that actually shapes the dough into bagels. This device he described as an intricate mechanical marvel, its supposed complexity and precariousness evoking a Rube Goldberg machine. As welcome as it is to learn that equipment plausibly found in Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory is actually being used in our world today, I find myself underwhelmed by its apparent inability to cope with the mere addition of some sesame and poppy. The existence of various other bagel varieties serves as a proof-of-concept, suggesting that the Everything paragon should be possible. Exhibit A: Cinnamon Raisin.