Following is among the most offensive things I’ve written here. First, some background.

Remember in one of the Harry Potter flicks, where Harry is battling Voldemort from a distance? Their respective magic powers are conveniently manifested as sorcerous energy light beams of different color. The beams meet somewhere in the middle, the forces of good and evil clashing in electric plasma chaos. Each participant grimaces for the strength required, and the implication is that if the location where the beams meet is forced all the way to the wand of one of the participants, then that person will die or at least be defeated. It’s essentially arm wresting for magicians, where the meeting of energy beams directly in the center is equivalent to the forearm plane being perpendicular to the table. The use of this method to communicate to audiences the metaphysical strength of characters relative to each other is nothing new. On the contrary, it’s been a staple of Saturday morning superhero cartoons for decades.

There are people walking this earth who have nothing behind their eyes. The most dangerous of these are those whose entire visage is affected by the disability. Note: the people to whom I’m referring are not sufferers of down syndrome or other clinically recognized mental deficiency. They’re dangerous because of what happens if your eyes meet. It’s hard to look away, probably for the same reason that someone witnessing unspeakable horror finds themselves unable to do anything but keep witnessing. Now, what happens the instant their eyes lock with yours is this: a metaphysical battle of the kind described above is initiated, with the invisible energy beams emanating from the eyes. While the term ‘battle’ suggests either participant could win, I can’t fathom what it would mean for me to be the victor. Moreover, in my experience I’ve taken a purely defensive role in these tenths-of-second silent interactions, hoping the beam meeting location is kept at a sufficiently safe distance from my eyes long enough for me to break the stare and turn away, thereby avoiding neurological harm. That’s right, I’m convinced that losing these battles results in the shriveling of dendrites and axon disassembly.